September and me have a history. Actually it's the last quarter of the year that always has a big role in my entire year, this has been a consistent recurring theme over the years. I wanted to write something new this time. I really did. But September has a way of dragging me back to the same stage, the same script, the same ache in my chest. It's almost like muscle memory now—the way I brace myself when the month rolls around, wondering what I'm about to lose or walk away from.
So, what do I even write about this month? I want to say a lot of things. I wish I could vent it all, muster the courage to cry and scream and tell the truth. Instead I'll keep most of it buried and act like nothing's wrong, like I always do.
It's been tough. Honestly it's been another tough month personally. It's taking a toll and I don't know how to deal with it. Just last month I was thinking about “What do I want from life?” and I had made up my mind about some things — not everything I wrote, but a few personal decisions I thought I had settled. Then life threw a curveball, and suddenly I'm rethinking everything I thought I'd figured out. That's the thing: you feel confident in your head, and then life rearranges the furniture and everything's out the window.
I only had one request from September this time — ffs, don't break me again. But that's not how life works, right? It took me a year to rebuild, and the moment I thought maybe, just maybe, it was starting to make sense, September cracked me open again. It's exhausting. It's taxing. There's a strange cruelty to rebuilding so often that numbness starts to pass for resilience. People think I don't feel; in reality I feel everything. I've just gotten very good at not showing it. I act like the pain doesn't matter. But it still stings.
Anyways — enough of the personal rant. Apart from what's happening inside, here were a few updates this month.
Big decisions were the theme. Like a lot of people around me, I had big choices to make. Between travels to Bengaluru and Mumbai, there were many discussions, confusion, and decisions that needed to be made. Now, I cannot reveal everything in my blog as of now. Will be disclosed soon.
I wrote recently about how knowing “What do I want from life?” makes decisions easier. If that answer is clear, choices feel like steps toward something. One thing I've noticed: the two most important questions are “What is right?” and *“What do you want?” When those answers match, the choice is obvious. The confusion starts when they don't. Those are the questions that haunt you at 3 a.m., when your heart already feels heavy.
For one decision this month, it was easy — what I want and what's right aligned, so I followed my gut. I don't know yet if it'll turn out well, but I made the call. The hard part is where those two things don't align. I know what I'll probably choose even when it's difficult, but knowing isn't the same as not hurting.
On a brighter note, I had a good month from a travel and food point of view. Some great laughs with people I'm grateful for. I'll always cherish those small moments. Will probably share some aesthetic snaps in the blog. Also, Dad got a new car in the family - XUV700. Just looks too beautiful man, also a beast to drive.
So yeah, I am going to keep this one a bit short. Hopefully I will have more to share once few things are disclosed. And for some other things, I should just take it all in, bury it somewhere deep, put up a smile and be kind.
I hope it gets better from here, I hope one day I stop walking away because of “The curse of not being chosen”.
Maybe October will ease up a bit — Diwali's coming, and I'll hold onto that. For now, I'll trust God's plan and try to keep going.
Bonus:
I have a few song recommendations -
That's all for now.