I was wondering what to write this month, also whether to write at all. But I guess now I'm starting to like this little ritual — a once-a-month activity where I try to sum up how my month has been. At least this way I get to remember me and my stupid little thoughts.
So while I was wondering what to write about, I asked myself: what was the one constant theme around which this month revolved? Initially, I wanted to write a tech blog, but nothing concrete came to mind. When I thought about it seriously though, I realised there was a recurring theme this month. It circled back to one simple yet impossible question: What do I want from life? What does anyone want from life?
I remember saying this to many of my close people that the next 4-5 years are in some way going to define how our lives shape up. The things which are going to define how our paths might look. And it's terrifying to be very honest, how are we suppose to know what decision would lead to what outcome. I mean just think of it, as a 25 year old - The city you pick, the job you jump into (or don't), how much you learn, how seriously you take relationships, whether and when you marry — these feel like knobs that'll tune the rest of your life. That's terrifying because we don't have a manual. You make a choice and hope it wasn't the one that ruins something else. Time keeps moving like it's indifferent, and that pressure is… real.. The questions keep multiplying, while time keeps slipping by like it has better things to do. And this circles back to one question at the end - what do we really want from life?
The freedom of choice paradox
What I have realised based on my interactions so far is that the more the freedom people have, the more options they have to choose from. But just because you have more options doesn't necessarily mean that you could make a better choice. And the converse is equally true right, if you don't have plenty of options, how are you suppose to know whatever you do is going to give you some sort of happiness in life?
Like if you think about it - My dad's generation, for example — they didn't sit around wondering if they should switch cities or careers every couple of years. Life was narrower, but maybe it was simpler too. We grew up told we're lucky to have choices; no one warned us that choices also multiply the risk of regret. Like there's this famous meme I saw -
Pehle acha the, 21 Tak padhna, 24 pe naukri, 26 pe chokri. Ye saala Bunny BKL.
(Sorry for my language, I am just quoting the meme)
And it's true right, you are now spoilt by choices which were derived from freedom. You look at people having different interests in life, some want to travel the world, some just want a simple stable life, and it's ok to want both. Society determines a lot of options too, for someone belonging to a Tier 2/3 city the choices you can make or are allowed to make are far to less. There is societal expectation which is attached to each choice you make which is far too much pressure being very honest. Like imagine you trying to take a penalty in 90th minute in a football game and the entire world watches you and hopes you take it a certain way and no other way is going to please the people. And you can say all you want that you don't really care what people think of you, ideally you should not, but we do.
And then there's the clash between what you actually want versus what everyone else thinks you should want. There's also the noise machine — family, society, LinkedIn, Instagram. Each screams a different metric for success. Family wants safety, society wants the boxes ticked, LinkedIn prizes momentum and productivity, Instagram wants curated highlights. We absorb these voices and confuse them for our own. Cause your thoughts are nothing but an extension of what your family says, society's rules and norms, peers shouting their versions of success and social media showing us all glittery lives in a highlight reel. Fact is, the highlight reel never shows the cost of the lifestyle.
FOMO and the ticking clock
There's so much to do and you suddenly start to feel you have way less time than you thought you had. Maybe it's just me who keeps thinking about this. I have friends who are building their lives abroad, and I honestly am proud of them for doing that. I just feel they have slightly more time than me, but they tend to disagree for some reason. At this point I am so worried that I feel I haven't been thinking in the present on most days in the previous month.
And there's a little FOMO that creeps in — Am I behind? Am I missing out? Then again I remember another quote from YJHD -
Kitna bhi try karlo Bunny, kuch na kuch toh chutt hi jaayega
choosing anything means losing something. The hard part is figuring out what's okay to lose. Nobody gives that list. You end up holding everything like a miser hoarding regrets. That's tiring.
I am aware that is not the right way to live life - we must focus in the present. But when you've been living on Auto-Pilot for a year and life suddenly throws you a curveball, it feels like time is slipping away faster than ever. The curveball might be a great surprise right now (grateful), but how am I supposed to deal with it? I'm still figuring it out. The only thing I am sure of is that I don't want to miss out on this one.
Risk Factor and The Curse of Competence
I've thought about this a lot — people always assume the grass is greener on the other side. They think others are doing great, living happy lives, but I don't think that's always the case. Everyone is struggling with their own burdens, just trying their best to build a life they'll be proud of. And everyone is taking risks in some form or another. If you're taking risks, you'll probably be fine at some point — because at least you're moving.
Also, risk plays a big role with age. They say your risk taking ability is inversely proportional to your age. And it's not entirely true, it's mostly dependent on cost of bad decision and consequences. When you're 22, failing an interview is an ego bruise. When you're 30 and someone's counting on you financially or emotionally, the same failure hits different. So people “appear” to take fewer risks — they're just more selective because the downside is real. But I've seen 40-year-olds do insane, glorious things. The appetite for risk shifts from reckless to deliberate. And that's fine. We confuse calculated restraint with cowardice, and that's unfair.
And this one other thing I have found I have been struggling with since years - The Curse of Competence.
You think that should be a gift? No, it's most definitely a curse. When you're competent, people assume you're okay. You're the reliable one. You become the person everyone leans on. That creates invisible contracts: don't cry, don't panic, keep delivering. Internally that sounds like: If I fail, I'll let people down. If I ask for help, I'll be exposed as weak. So we swallow. We over-prepare. We keep the cracks hidden. The result? You feel like a fraud when you don't perform, and you hate that feeling more than you hate the hard work.
Part of the reason why I want to write in my blogs is this — Most people in my life who I have talked to think I have had it all perfect, whatever tiny bit of so called success I have had has been because I was lucky, no buddy, I have been unlucky 10 times where I have worked so damn hard and found luck at the 11th place where I had completely given up. At least through these blogs, if someone reads in future they'll know the real story. No curated highlights. Just raw thoughts. No fluff.
Anyways, what's the point?
So I have thought a lot about this, even while writing this, I gave it a lot of thought. What do I want from life?
I just wanna lead a life that I will be proud of one day. There's nothing else, which matters more than this I suppose. A simple boring life, which I can be proud of in my own eyes. I want to take enough risks in life that I don't die with constant regret of what if and enough stability that I don't feel like waking up in constant thought turmoil everyday.
I want the curse of competence — to be obsessed with doing my very best every day — yet I want to be detached from the results. I want my older self to nod and say, “You didn't play too safe. You chose the hard stuff, kept fighting when things were tough, never gave up, and did things with the purest intentions. You had the guts to choose the hard and right thing over the easy and wrong.”
And here the key is intent. Doing things with the right intent. Which brings me back to Bhagvad Geeta verse:
"कर्मण्येवाधिकारस्ते मा फलेषु कदाचन ।मा कर्मफलहेतुर्भूर्मा ते सङ्गोऽस्त्वकर्मणि ॥"
(Karmanye vadhikaraste, ma phaleshu kadachana | Ma karma phala hetur bhur, ma te sango 'stvakarmani)
Of course, that's me being too idealistic. There will be places where my decisions won't always be right. But I don't ever want to compromise on intentions. What I want right now is not the same as what 18-year-old me wanted, and maybe 30-year-old me will want something else entirely.
It's funny how life rarely gives us a pause button. Every choice feels urgent, every moment feels like it has to be maximized. And yet, when I look back at the past year—or even just this August—I see that not everything that mattered was planned. Some of the best moments came uninvited, in the middle of chaos, while I was worrying about something else entirely. Just need to take a breath and focus on where my heart finds true healing I guess.
TL;DR: Just trying to live a life that makes my older self say, “Nice one, kid,” instead of “Bro, seriously?”
That's all for now.