Nothing Anywhere At All

This is a play on the previous blog title. You will get it.

Diwali would have passed like any other day if I hadn’t come home. That’s a strange thing to admit. I’m spending time with my family, I know it’s festival season, and I’m glad I’m here. But the excitement I remember having for these things just isn’t there.

Raksha Bandhan, Ganeshotsav, Navratri, Dussehra. All came and went over the last few months. Somewhere between work, sleep and whatever needed to be done before work again, entire festivals passed. I kept telling myself I was occupied. Which is true. But lately, that explanation feels incomplete.

Previously, in the last episode

It’s been more than two months since I last wrote a personal essay. I reread the previous one and wondered what had changed. Still consumed by work. Still missing the gym. Still telling myself I’ll find time once this particular stretch is over. I wanted a fresh theme too.

Unfortunately, my life did not cooperate with the editorial requirements. I wish it did, I wish I had something different to talk about.

But something does feel different.

In the last blog, the good moments were genuinely good. Board games till stupid hours. Taking my sister around Mumbai. Walking off the stage at Frappeverse feeling proud. Those things reached me, even if I went back to feeling overwhelmed afterwards.

These past few weeks, even that enjoyment has become harder to find. Things did happen. Two photowalks in Mumbai. Bangalore for India FOSS, where I had fun staying with friends. Americano with another set of friends. Two weeks in Pune, although work followed me there too. Very committed travel companion. I don’t want to dismiss those moments. But when I sit down to write about these months, work takes up almost the entire page. Everything else gets a few sentences.

I wanted to write about something else, then realised how little attention I’d given anything else. That felt worse than having nothing to write.

Waiting for the win

I have never worked this hard in my life. Fourteen, fifteen hours a day on many days. Probably the most work I’ve produced in my career. And yes, I’ve enjoyed parts of it. A lot. Agents have made building ridiculously exciting. I can think through a problem and act on it almost immediately. I’m less restricted by what I know how to write. I can think in systems, problems and solutions, then keep following an idea. There is always something else I could try. Which makes it very easy to keep going.

When I started this draft in late October, I was waiting for the beta release. I wanted a win. I hoped everything I’d sacrificed would lead somewhere. Reading it now, I can see how much I was asking of that moment. I legit prayed for it to go well. I kept checking my phone when it went live hoping it does not break. I wanted the work to go well. But I was also hoping I’d finally feel good once it was out. That I’d feel proud and let out a breath I’d apparently been holding for months.

On October 31, I opened the draft again. The beta was out. I was happy we’d got there. I was also anxious. I didn’t know whether to call it a win yet. But I’d reached the thing I was waiting for, and I hadn’t started feeling the way I thought I would. There was more to do. Of course there was.

This is the repost I did. So just a small lore, Raven v3 was the first product signup to go live on cloud v2. This is a big deal personally for me, because I am the only common intersection between the two. This is a full circle moment for me.

This made me feel something, but some time later...

Everything feels like nothing

On November 6, I returned to this while heading home. There was no internet, which is quite literally why I was writing. I wish I could say I’d deliberately made time for my thoughts. Nope. Network coverage made that decision for me. And what came out was simple: I don’t feel like myself anymore. I still work through problems, make decisions, finish things. Outside that, there is very little I find myself looking forward to.

I like a boring life. I don’t need every weekend to be a trip or every month to contain some major event. But I used to enjoy ordinary things. Now, even when there’s a reason to feel excited, I find myself waiting for the feeling to arrive.

That’s what feels strange about being home for Diwali. I wanted to come home. I’m glad I did. Yet it doesn’t feel the way I thought it would.

I don’t know exactly when this changed. There wasn’t one terrible day. I kept working, postponing things, assuming I’d feel different once we got a little further.

And now it’s November.

I can’t believe how many things I’ve forgotten or let pass. Plans I never made. People I meant to get back to. What bothers me is how easily it happened.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve become cold-hearted. I know I care about these people and things, but that knowledge doesn’t turn into much of a feeling. Then again, it clearly bothers me. I wouldn’t be struggling to write this if I was okay with it.

Apparently, there’s a word for losing interest or pleasure in things: anhedonia. I’m not diagnosing myself through an internet essay, but finding a familiar description helped me explain it.

Everything feels like nothing.

And almost immediately, I feel the need to defend myself. I’m grateful. I asked for these opportunities. I wanted responsibility. “I asked for this.” Okay. I did. Does that mean I’m never allowed to admit it has become too much?

Pressure is a privilege. I still believe there’s truth in that. But I keep using it to end a conversation with myself that probably needs to continue.

There is still a lot to finish before the January 1 release. I hope we do it well. I care enough about it that I dream about it. Not exaggerating. Apparently, the day shift wasn’t sufficient. But low-key, I need a fucking vacation. And I don’t even have the energy to book tickets. Choosing a place, checking dates, booking a stay—it all feels like another task. I just want a few days where I’m not constantly thinking about what needs to happen next.

A photowalk because I want to take photographs. A game because I feel like playing. Calling someone without postponing it until I finish one more thing. Ordinary things. Somehow, I’ve made them difficult to have.

Things look good on the surface, but life has felt strangely colourless. Quite ironic during Diwali. I don’t want to accept that enjoying less of my life is simply part of growing up. I also don’t have a convincing plan for how everything changes tomorrow.

But I need to stop treating this as something that can wait until work settles. There will be work after January 1 too. I know that. I need to remember it before I move the date again.

I started this draft hoping I’d have a win to write about by the end. Instead, I’m home for Diwali, admitting that I haven’t felt like myself in a while.

I still want the release to go well. I also want to book that vacation, get back to the gym, and have something to tell you next time that I didn’t build on a laptop.

I miss looking forward to things.

I miss being me. I honestly do.

Some good captures this past few months:

Some songs that have been on repeat this past few months:

• Alfaaz - What drug did they inject in this one???!
• Payphone - Always a treat to listen to.
• 52 bahane - See the music video while listening to this one.
• Theher Jaa - beautiful lyrics, damn too relatable.

I hope I win. I truly hope I feel better soon.

That's all for now.