Through My Cracked Lenses

The month with the least number of days somehow manages to feel the longest. If I look back, February has always been eventful for me in some way. This time though, it wasn’t loud. It wasn’t dramatic. It was… dense. Packed. Heavy in a very different way.

I was reading my last blog and I read the amount of spiralling I had last month and compared it with this one, has it been less? Well, can’t really say.

I’ve been overworked, drained mentally and physically. But I’m also… happy with how the month went. More or less.

And that’s what confuses me. There’s a different kind of satisfaction when you’re exhausted because you chose this. When the chaos on your plate is self-selected or rather curated. When the problems stressing you out are the same ones you once prayed to have.

Is that insane? Maybe.

I’m writing this while travelling back to Pune for a few days. I had told myself I wouldn’t go back for at least a couple of months. I thought it would reset my momentum.

And it does. But it also resets me. That’s the part I never admit.

Art, Cafe hopping, Exploring Mumbai

Went to visit Kala Ghoda Festival in the first weekend. On the surface, it’s an art and craft festival. Stalls. Handmade stuff. Crowds. Instagram content everywhere. But the real magic wasn’t inside the polished stalls trying to sell expensive handicrafts. It was just outside the main area - where artists had quietly put up their paintings and sketches. I found myself just… staring.

Some of those paintings were unreal. The kind where you don’t even fully understand why it’s beautiful, but you feel it. I walked into Jehangir Art Gallery later and spent time in the photography section. Some shots were pixel perfect. You could tell someone really values craft.

Over the years, I’ve learned to appreciate good design and art more. Creativity. Functional aesthetics. Creative intent. It’s an acquired taste.

Although I still don’t understand modern art. I’m sorry - splashing random colours on a canvas and calling it “expression” still confuses me. I used to do that as a kid. We all did.

That was it for the festival, I later went by to The Table (India’s number 1 restaurant). I just went by randomly and later realised what it was. But the food I tried was just phenomenal. Chef’s kiss🫶🏻. It’s funny how sometimes the best experiences are the unplanned ones.

Most weekends, I went out. Breakfast places. Cafes, places from my list. Random spots I’d saved. Met a few celebs here and there - nothing crazy cause it’s Mumbai and it’s normal here I guess?

If someone only saw my weekends, they’d think I’m living some curated Mumbai life. What they wouldn’t see is how tiring my weekdays are. Not gonna complain though, I enjoy both of those.

Frappe Offsite: Not exactly an "offsite"

This month, we had a company-wide sprint at Frappe focused on quality. I was working with the Framework team. We then travelled to Dapoli on 10th Feb. Six hours in a bus. Early morning. By the time we reached, most people were drained. And technically, it wasn’t even an “offsite”. There were long discussions. Deep ones. Strategic ones. Hard ones. But I enjoyed most of them, at least not the repetitive ones.

I liked switching context. Solving long-pending issues. Collaborating with a different set of people. Contrary to what many felt during the sprint, I didn’t feel burdened. I felt engaged. That’s a pattern I’m noticing about myself - I enjoy being slightly overwhelmed.

The best part about the “offsite” was that I bonded really well with people around. Like, I had great conversations with people, we played games which I had a lot of fun in. We played:

• Codenames
• Chess tournament
• Badminton
• Uno Flip

I played Codenames for the first time ever - and somehow ended up being MVP throughout the trip.

Apparently, I gave a few “iconic clues” that people are going to remember for a long time. I’m not bragging. Just stating facts.

In chess, I made it to the semis before the tournament got shelved because discussions took over. Slightly tragic. Still fun.

Why do I always choose the hard thing?

After coming back, I had multiple problems waiting for me. Work-wise. On top of that, I got approached to take up another big problem.

And suddenly I was stuck in a familiar mental loop: Which option should I choose? I spoke to some people around me, I even then relied on ChatGPT for career advice in the end.

Deep down, I was always leaning towards the problem with higher stakes. Higher risk.

Why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep choosing discomfort over safer, guaranteed wins?

This is not new, this has been my pattern over the years where I have chosen discomfort over and over again if it has slight promise of some win potentially in future. Maybe I am just wired this way now.

The week after that was pure context switching. Multiple projects in parallel. Multiple responsibilities. Different threads in my brain running at the same time. But I won’t complain.

I’ll never complain about having too much to do - not when I once prayed for opportunities like this. If I fail, that’s on me. If I succeed, that’s also on me.

The advice I shouldn't be giving

Never mind the outings and cafes - those were nice. I broke my glasses this month as well. That's metaphorical as well as literal. Also, almost lost my Airpods case. But something else happened this month that stayed with me.

The other day, I was giving advice to someone younger. They were going through something heavy and wanted some advice - the usual feeling of not being chosen, not being enough (it’s so ironic that they ask me about this, lol).

I did what I naturally do. I tried to understand what they were feeling. And then I started saying things like:

Have big goals. Be obsessed. Build something so big that rejection feels small. That’s the only way to not feel shitty about people not choosing you. Be so obsessed by your goals that nobody’s staying or leaving stings. Go numb. Don’t have feelings.

And while I was saying it, something felt… off. Because that’s how I deal with it.

But that doesn’t mean it’s right. It’s not even healthy. I acknowledged this last month too.

I later spoke to a few friends about what better advice could’ve been. And honestly? Their answers were healthier. Softer. More balanced. They spoke about acceptance. About not tying your worth to being chosen. About building a life that feels good, gives you some contentment instead of this constant chase to be better version of yourself.

And I realised something uncomfortable. Not everyone wants to be obsessed. Not everyone wants to constantly chase the hardest thing in the room. Not everyone wants a life that feels like a never-ending sprint.

And it’s completely fair that they don’t. Maybe I am wired differently. Maybe I have this slightly malfunctioning brain that believes the only way to survive disappointment/rejection is to outwork it. To outgrow it. To out-achieve it. To choose harder goals so none of the other pain stings as much.

So, I should probably not be giving all this "gyaan". Cause it’s not healthy. Definitely not universal. Although for me, it’s the only way I see it.

Some people want peace. Some want balance. Some want slow, steady joy.

And then there’s me - chasing things that don’t even let me rest properly once I reach them. The moment I achieve something, the joy barely lasts. It fades in seconds. And I’m already onto the next target. February made me see this distinction clearly. Different people think differently. Different brains cope differently. Different definitions of happiness exist.

And maybe the mistake isn’t in how I’m wired - it’s in assuming everyone should be wired like me. Which is wrong!

I don’t think I’ll stop choosing hard goals. That’s probably not changing anytime soon. But maybe I need to stop romanticising obsession as the only way to live. Maybe growth doesn’t have to feel like war all the time.

I’m just 25. Still figuring things out. Definitely not qualified to give life advice. Haven’t achieved anything significant enough to preach. So no - my life is not a template anyone should be following. Don’t copy my wiring. Don’t romanticise my obsession. Don’t borrow my chaos. (It does not lead to happiness, it’s the path down to constant sacrifices and pain)

Do your own thing. Write your own story. Just make sure it’s a story you’ll be proud of one day. That’s enough.

That’s all for now.

Bonus:

Some songs I kept on loop this month -

Tum Se Hi
Kal Chaudhvin Ki Raat Thi
Pyar Se
Baamulaiza